Why Hogwarts Just Had To Move
by jpottermalfoy
Summary: Harry is crushing on Draco, and Draco is crushing on Harry. Harry makes a desperate wish, and Hogwarts pays for it. Small swimwear and sexual innuendo ensues. Craziness occurs from the least-likely person.


Not work-safe. I gave it a high rating, so I don't get reported for wrongly-marked smut. Sorry if it's reaching a bit. Started out as a crack drabble to try to lighten my crappy mood over the weather. Kinda turned into a smutty 7000+ word one-shot type of fic. And it's kind of a lame title, but once I thought of it I was kind of stuck with it.

Harry-centric, but Draco is very well represented. I've never studied Latin, so the one unknown short spell I included in this fic was derived from using an online translator. If it's wrong, I blame them, seeing how they're not here to say otherwise. Sorry about my overuse of commas. I tend to go overboard.

I didn't write anything called 'The Bedroom Diaries'. I didn't even know anything like that existed until I searched it to see if I needed to add a disclaimer. I don't own The Wizard of Oz, Bewitched, Lucky Charms, or The Golden Girls either, but you should see why I included them by the end.

Just to warn you-I'm a proud pervert. Personally, I don't see anything in here that could squick a person, but if you do please tell me in a nice way. I will say that someone loses their mental facilities in my little fic. Not de-aged, just not mentally all there anymore, for no more of a reason then old memories suddenly surfacing. It's still funny I think, either way. And pretty much everyone is OOC. Oh, and Dumbledore is a bit of an egotistical pervert.

I love the online dictionary, and it's buddy, the thesaurus.

Nothing is mine, everything is all someone else's, except my plot.

Alexis is awesome. She did the beta work me, then it took me forever and a week to actually post.

**Why Hogwarts Just Had To Move**

It was just another average day at Hogwarts in April. Birds were singing, the sun was shining; everything was just peachy. The children were laughing and playing on the fresh spring grass, Hagrid was busy tending to the blooming flowers, the giant squid lazed about waving its tentacles gently to and fro…

Well, that was what it was supposed to be like.

In all actuality, a sudden winter storm blew in and dumped a meter of snow overnight, and it was still snowing with no apparent end in sight.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were sitting in the Great Hall after trudging down from the seventh floor in almost all of their winter clothes, seeing how most of the house elves responsible for the warming charms were on strike. Hermione was not a very popular girl at the moment.

Ron was stuffing his face after explaining, "I'm depressed, Mione! We were supposed to be outside today under our tree, smooching and whatnot!" while Hermione was sighing at Ron, just to ignore him in favor of reading a book on weather charms. Harry was busy looking around in disgust. Between looking to the head table at Dumbledore 'It's probably his fault, he never tells me anything, and so I didn't do something that could have prevented this,' thought Harry, ever playing the martyr, to looking at the enchanted ceiling at the abnormally large fluffy snowflakes fluttering down, to staring at Malfoy at the Slytherin table surrounded by his minions.

Ok, ok. So staring at Malfoy wasn't really anything new. It was their last year at Hogwarts, and nothing seemed to be going right this year. Harry had found out on his 17th birthday that he fully inherited the Potter and Black vaults, which he had expected, but also the founder's vaults, which was completely unexpected. His desirability rating flew through the roof in August, when the quarterly 'Who's Who & Why' magazine came out, declaring Harry and his new riches to be even, almost to the knut, with the Malfoys. Of course, that also meant Harry was being overloaded with mail on a daily basis, with offers of marriage ("Merlin! Don't these women realize I'm gay after the club incident? I mean, my trousers and pants were on the floor, and I was getting my cock sucked by a man. A _man_-no squishy female bits! Honestly!"), pleas to fund this-or-that charities, and some that just blatantly asked for money. Harry had no doubt in his mind that he wouldn't be dating anyone anytime soon, let alone the one guy he really wanted.

Yes, my friends, Harry finally gave up on the whole 'I'm not in love with Malfoy' thing at the end of last year, when Hermione and Pansy (and who thought those two would get along so well!) caught Harry coming out of the locker room with his fly unzipped. That wouldn't be anything out the ordinary for Harry, however, he hadn't been flying. Nope, the only one flying that particular day was one Mr. Draco Lucius Malfoy.

It was a well-known fact amongst the students that the Gryffindor supply closet, which happens to butt up against the Slytherin showers, had several small holes in the wall. Just barely large enough to get a good peek through, but small enough that they weren't too noticeable. Plus, Sirius had snuck in the other shower room during his seventh year and put a permanent concealing charm on the holes, so none of the Slytherins could find them to cover the holes up. Draco, being the exhibitionist that he is, frequently put on the best show he could, complete with hip rolls, moaning, and thrusts.

Therefore, when Harry came out of the Gryffindor locker room face flushed with his zipper down, and a few seconds later Malfoy walked out of the Slytherin side with his hair still wet and slicked back, the girls put two and two together and decided to approach Harry. He only lasted a few minutes of intense questioning before Harry finally caved and admitted to being in love with Draco. Since then, the girls had been subtlety trying to get the two to stop arguing and get together, to no avail. Draco and Harry both agreed early in sixth year that to continue fighting after Voldemort died (choked to death on a plum pit at the breakfast table) would be stupid, but they still weren't going to be friends or anything. Nope, no way.

Back in the present, Harry was still looking around in disgust. "I'm so sick of this crappy weather," Harry mumbled.

"What was that, Harry?" Hermione asked. She was sitting across from Harry, and had heard him muttering in a low voice.

"This weather," Harry proclaimed loudly, "completely sucks."

"Well, it isn't like we can do anything about it. We just have to bundle up and get on with it. It isn't like the weather is going to stay like this so late in the season," she reasoned.

"But we should be able to do something about it! We're wizards, for fuck's sake! You know, magic? Magic wands? We make potions to heal broken bones within hours, we can transfigure a quill into a platypus, we can levitate things in the air, and we can disappear from one location and show up in a completely different location half way around the world in a matter of a few seconds! Why can't we do anything about the damn weather?" Harry whined.

"Because we just can't, so stop complaining about it. You've done nothing but bitch since you looked out the tower window this morning!" said Hermione crossly.

Ron, who had finally ran out of food and was stuffed almost to the point of bursting, decided to put in his knut's worth. "Yeah, Harry! I'd like nothing better then to pick up and move Hogwarts to some island in the tropics, but there's not a snowball's chance in hell that I could do something like that. Just get over it, mate. Nothing to be done." Ron said. "And stop staring at Malfoy-you're going to start drooling again!" Ron whispered to his friend.

"Your fault, you git. You know how I feel about him. And then you just had to mention the tropics, and I started thinking about Draco all wet and walking out of the ocean, sunshine reflecting off the water drops on his skin, like a million perfect diamonds clinging to his perfect body..." Harry tapered off, mouth going slack and his eyes unfocused, imagining what Draco would look like, imagining tracing the water droplets down Draco's skin with his tongue, down, down to the edge of Draco's tight black bikini-style swim pants, starting to mouth the water drops through the top the pants, licking further down...

"Uh, Harry? Harry!" Ron said, starting to panic when Harry did start drooling and wouldn't respond. "Hermione, nothing's working! What should I do?" he asked his girlfriend.

"How should I know? Do I look like a walking healer's office for the mentally ill?" Ron had opened his mouth to reply, when Hermione said, "And if you _ever_ want to get laid again, you will _not_ answer that question, Ronald Bilius," Hermione informed him.

Ron's mouth closed so fast you almost hear an echo of his teeth clacking together. He decided to get Harry's attention again anyway he could. It was better then pissing off Hermione, after all. A man has needs!

"HARRY!" Ron shouted in Harry's ear, while nudging him hard enough to almost knock him off the bench.

"Ron!" Harry whimpered, grabbing Ginny's ponytail and hoisting himself up. "That was a really good fantasy you just interrupted!" Ginny protested, but no one paid her any attention, as usual. She didn't matter, anyway.

"Well, if you're not going to snap your fingers, wiggle your nose, and click your heels together three times while saying 'There's no place like the tropics' and move Hogwarts there, then we should probably find something to do. Preferably near a fireplace." Ron said.

Harry pondered this. "Do you think that would work?" he asked, his whole demeanor brightening.

"Who knows, mate. It's you, so anything's possible."

"Oh, for Merlin's sake!" Hermione exclaimed. "Of course it isn't going to work. Have you ever heard of such a thing happening?"

"Well, no, but we're talking about Harry here. Shit happens around him that normally couldn't or wouldn't."

"It wouldn't happen" she said flatly.

"It could!"

"No, it couldn't!"

"Could!"

"Couldn't!"

"COULD!"

"COULDN'T!"

"FINE! Maybe Harry should just try it and see if it works!"

"Yes, that way you both look like a couple of idiots! Harry's smarter then that, aren't you Harry?" asked Hermione. "Harry, what are you doing?"

Harry had stood up from the bench, and was now standing behind it several feet. "Call me an idiot all you want, Mione. I'm willing to do almost anything at this point!" Harry called out, still thinking about Draco in the water.

He snapped his fingers (twice for good measure), wiggled his nose, and started clicking his heels together, muttering "There's no place like the tropics, there's no place like the tropics," repeatedly. Harry was concentrating so deeply that he completely missed the castle rumbling, and the lurching feel of Apparition. He did, however, feel the castle resettle, as he lost his balance and fell to the floor.

Harry looked up, and saw that people were climbing out from under their tables, some still screaming.

"POTTER!" screeched Professor Snape. "What did you do now? Do you have any idea how old this castle is? If any of my potions ingredients are damaged you will be in detention so long that the next century will go by before you see the light of day again!" he thundered, as he stalked to the Gryffindor tables.

"Now, now, Severus. I'm sure young Harry here didn't do anything too bad. Why, look at the ceiling! It's now a bright sunny day, and does it feel a bit warmer in here to anyone?" Dumbledore called out as he walked up to the group.

Just then the doors to the Great Hall were flung open violently, and Seamus and Dean came barreling down the main walkway towards the staff table.

"You've got to see this! It's impossible! Unbelievable!" Dean shouted.

"And pretty!" Seamus added in.

"Pretty?" said Dean incredulously, stopping half-way to the front of the room. "There's an ocean where the Black Lake used to be, and all you can say is pretty?"

"Well, it is!' mumbled Seamus. 'It's all blue and shiny and so warm out!"

Professor McGonagall came rushing in. "It's true! Hogwarts has been transported to a tropical island!" she confirmed excitedly, before transfiguring into her cat Animagus form and running back out. It was quicker that way, after all.

At that point, almost everyone in the Hall jumped up and headed to the doors. Almost, because Snape, Dumbledore, Hagrid (who couldn't stop sobbing for fear of what might have happened to the giant squid and the merpeople), Harry, Ron, and Hermione stayed where they were. Harry stayed because he knew it was his fault for what happened. Ron stayed because he's Harry's best friend, and Hermione stayed because she was busy writing down every. Single. Detail. Of what just happened, and how it occurred. Professor Snape, so he could give Potter so many detentions that they would never see the light of day again (heh heh!), and Dumbledore, to relinquish everything Snape was saying. How he loved to see Severus turn such a dark shade of red! So pretty! Hagrid remained because he was prostrate with grief. But he doesn't really matter, so no one cared.

"POTTER! DETENTION! FOREVER! One million points from Gryffindor! Never before has Hogwarts ever had such an incompetent student sully its halls until you showed up! I knew the moment I laid eyes on you that you would be just like your father! With his strutting towards me in his tight black leather pants zipped up half way, button undone, hair mussed just so, like he had just had the shag of his life. Lips swollen, arms wrapped around me, those sparkly eyes glinting in the moonlight, looking at me like I was the most important man in the world and nothing else would ever matter again as long as he held me close..." Snape trailed off and swallowed hard, remembering a different time so long ago, before everything changed for the worst.

The trio stood there gaping at their potions professor, with the boys turning green with disgust, and Hermione green with envy. She sighed. "How romantic! Ron, why don't you ever do anything like that for me? Ron? Am I not important enough to you that you revere me that way? Answer me, dammit! Ronald Bilius Weasley!"

Hermione turned around from where she had been standing in front of the boys to see Ron gently walking a shaking and obviously disturbed Harry away from the table. "Ron? What's wrong with Harry?" she inquired.

Ron glared at Hermione while still leading Harry toward the door. "He's distraught! He just found out that his father had a, a 'thing' with Snape, and you're too busy yelling at me for not doing who knows what to realize how Harry might have been affected!" he scolded.

"Oh Harry! I'm so sorry! But really, it is such a natural thing. History repeating, almost! I mean, look at you and Malfoy. You were both fighting all the time, just like your father and Professor Snape, and now you have this huge crush on Malfoy! It's like a new generation of a Gryffindor/Slytherin love fest! Oh stop that, Ron! You'll lose your breakfast if you keep that up." she said as Ron stopped gagging, the words doing their job of halting his childishness.

"Come on, Harry. Let's go outside into the clean fresh air. There's bound to be people swimming, and that means wet boys in very little clothing. You'll like that!" Hermione said, trying to cheer Harry up.

"Yeah," Harry said quietly. "Yeah, maybe Draco will be out there in swimming trunks!" he said a bit louder, thinking of his new favorite fantasy.

"That's the spirit! Chin up! Let's go find some hot half-naked boys for us to drool over!"

"Hey! Mione! You can't do that-you're taken!" whined Ron.

She glared at Ron. "Shh! I know that! It's not like I really meant for me to stare at them-just Harry." Hermione said while crossing her fingers behind her back. 'Besides,' she thought, 'there's nothing wrong with looking every once in a while. And those Quidditch hard-bodies are too nummy not to look at! Pansy completely agrees with me. Maybe I could go sit with her?'

"Yeah. Right. As if you only meant Harry." Ron said flatly. 'At least I can look at the girls with their large perky breasts almost bursting out of their bikini tops, barely-there scraps of material not really covering their arses. Damn. Good thing I still have my robes on!' thought Ron. "Good idea!" Ron said out loud. "Let's get Harry down to the beach. Right now! We don't want to miss any bouncing breasts, I mean bullocks, now do we?" he corrected himself, hoping his girlfriend didn't catch his gaffe, while almost running Harry out the doors.

Albus watched the exchange between his golden trio. 'Ah, young love! Seems so long ago I felt that way myself!' he thought.

"There, there, let it all out. It's all in the past now, and we need to move on." Albus said as he held Severus close. He let him cry for a good 5 more minutes, not realizing the man was having a complete mental breakdown.

"Come now, Severus. It'll be alright. Minerva did say we are on a tropical island. Maybe there will be all sorts of new potions ingredients to find and harvest? Now won't that be fun!" he said soothingly to Severus, observing his pseudo-child and the unchecked tears running down his face.

Severus sniffled several more times. "You, you really think so?" he asked in disbelief, wiping tears and snot on his robe sleeve.

"Of course!" reassured the older man. "Go get your harvesting equipment, you silly little boy! Shoo!" Albus waved him away, giving Severus a firm pat on his butt to get him moving.

Snape giggled as he ran out the door towards his potions classroom. 'That's my boy!' thought Albus. "One million, three hundred points to Gryffindor. No detentions." he said out loud. As if he would allow any of his golden children to suffer.

The older professor began his trek to the headmaster's office to begin writing letters to parents. If the school had moved locations, they certainly should be told. And he would also need to make different arrangements to get the children home at the end of the semester. 'If Severus complains, I'll just have to turn him over my knee again. Although, it doesn't really seem to bother him anymore. I wonder why that is?' he mused.

Meanwhile, Ron was holding down the beach blanket with the picnic basket (actually, he was trying to get into the basket, but Hermione warded it against intrusion), while Hermione was trying to convince Harry to come out of the Gryffindor changing room that someone had conjured.

"Harry James Potter! Come out of there right now!" she yelled into the room.

"No! Everyone will laugh! I'm ugly and skinny, and these shorts are too tight! And I want my glasses back! These contacts feel weird."

She rolled her eyes. Harry really had no idea whatsoever of what he actually looked like. "Harry. You are NOT ugly, and you are NOT skinny! You have a very handsome, well, everything! And the shorts aren't too tight-they're board shorts! You're just used to wearing all those baggy clothes that are ten sizes too big!"

"No! I'm not coming out! You can't make me!"

Hermione sighed. She had been trying to get Harry out for over 20 minutes, while watching Ron battled with her warded basket and gagged at the swim wear that some of the other girls were wearing. Lavender was wearing a barely-there string bikini of the same color, and Parvati was wearing one in rust. Both set up about 5 meters from where Ron was, and she was anxious to get back to her man. Hermione watched as both girls turned over onto their stomachs and undid the strings to their tops. She adjusted the straps to her more modest one piece. Pansy walked by in a black bikini top and sarong, wiggled her eyebrows and nodded to Hermione. She continued down to the blanket, where she took off the sarong, smacked Ron upside his head, which knocked him face-first into the sand, then gracefully sat on her hovering beach lounger. 'I love that girl!' Hermione thought.

Time to take out the big wands. "If you don't come out of that room right now, I'm sending both Colin and Dennis in! And you know how badly they've been wanting in your pants this year. Can you imagine it? Just you, them, their cameras, no one else around, no other doors, no escape..."

Harry came rushing out of the room, wrapped in ten large beach towels.

"Oh, for crying out loud Harry! You have nothing-NOTHING-to be ashamed of. You are a very fit and gorgeous man of 17. Pansy just came out of the Slytherin changing rooms, and told me Draco would be out shortly. You want to see him, right? I'm sure he's wearing board shorts too."

"Draco? Where?" Harry excitedly asked, whipping around and looking the best he could wrapped up like a mummy, before falling on his arse. Good thing he was so padded!

"Dammit Harry! That's it!" Hermione took out her wand from Merlin knows where, and pointed it at Harry. "Aufero towels!" she cried, making a sweeping motion, followed by a sharp downward slash.

"Hermione!" Harry squeaked. All ten of his towels vanished, leaving an _extremely_ fit Harry lying on the ground, trying to cover up his moderately muscled body.

Hermione grabbed Harry's arm and hauled him up, duck-walking him to the blanket. "Harry, I'm tired of fighting you on this. You are going to see once and for all that you really have nothing to be ashamed of. Seriously. We'll get some of the other girl's opinions, and some of the boys too, so it's fair. Now stay right there!" she ordered Harry, placing a stupefy spell on him before he could cover up.

"Everyone! Attention please, everyone! Yes, thank you-this should only take a moment. Now, who here thinks Harry is ugly?" Hermione asked, relishing her moment in the spotlight.

All the students in the immediate vicinity turned and looked at Harry. Various cries of approval were shouted out with force.

"Are you crazy?"

"He's gorgeous!"

"He should have worn a thong!"

"Harry, I want you"

"Harry, I want to have your baby!"

"Harry, we want to tie you up and lick melted chocolate off your abs and arse and use your hot body for our pleasure and never let you go!" twinned Colin and Dennis, licking their lips.

"All right, Creeveys, that's a bit much. Go...elsewhere." Hermione said wearily. She turned around and released Harry from her hex. "Now do you see? It wasn't just me saying you look good. Everyone else thinks so too. You are a fine looking man, Harry. It's time to believe it, and get some self-confidence!"

Pansy, who had been undressing Harry with her eyes from behind her designer sunglasses, piped up. "I agree, Harry," she said. "And just wait until someone else sees you. Oh look! Speak of the devil himself!" she drawled to Hermione, as she spotted Draco walking up wearing a black kimono-style beach robe, with the belt cinched snugly around his trim waist. He turned around to set his monogrammed towel and lounge chair up, and the girls noticed the robe had a silver dragon flying around on the back, with it's tail caressing his supple arse every now and then. The fact that it had emerald green eyes had absolutely nothing to do with Harry at all. Truly. Swear to Merlin.

"So. Plebeians. Where's the other third of the favored trio? Too scared to come out and play with the... rest... of..." Draco trailed off as he turned around with a bottle of imported water in his hand, noticing the heavenly-sent body standing several feet away and partially turned towards the water. "Oh. My. Word. Who is that, Pans? Can't be anyone that goes to Hogwarts, I'd have really noticed that God by now! Ugh! I wish Harry looked that fucking hot, he'd be truly perfect then, almost as perfect as me. Look at the arse on him! You could bounce a galleon off it!" he murmured.

"Oh Dray, you are really in for a shocker, aren't you?" Pansy thought smugly. "Oh hot boy! Hot boy?" she called out, waving her manicured hand. "Will you please come all the way over here and put this sunscreen on my back, I just can't seem to reach it and I really don't want to get a sunburn!"

The God known as 'hot boy' turned around and Draco dropped his very expensive water he had just opened up as he sharply sucked in a large breath of air.

No.

No fucking way in Hell.

That is NOT Harry fucking Potter. It was hard to deny it, though, when the evidence was right there for all to see. The deep emerald green eyes, the ever-fading lightning bolt scar on his forehead. The dark and messy hair, just begging for his hands to run through it.

'This is so not fair!' Draco whined in his head, as he watched Harry approach Pansy and take the tub of sunscreen cream that he himself had made for Pansy, while smiling at her. "This can't be My Harry! My Harry has baggy clothes, and a bird's nest for hair, and glasses? What happened to the glasses? Not that I mind, they were quite ugly, but how can he see without them? He better stay away from those damn Creeveys! Where are those little leeches? I wouldn't be surprised if they weren't setting up a trap to get My Harry to trip and fall right on their minuscule perverted laps. Ah, there they are. What the fuck? I was right! The littlest shit-for-brains just put a trip wire in the sand where My Harry would have to walk to go past them to the water. He would have literally landed face-first in their laps. Little fuckers! I'll show them! Yeah, bitches, that's what you get when you try to scheme against me! If you can't play with the big dogs, stay on the porch!" Draco thought maliciously as he watched both Creeveys spit and sputter seawater after being mysteriously launched fifty feet into the ocean. But no one liked them anyway, so it didn't really matter. Unfortunately, they were the type of twits that kept coming back again and again.

Draco turned around just in time to see Harry handing the tub back to Pansy, his hands still covered in sunscreen. What the fuck was going on here? Oh yeah. That _female_ will pay for this. She always said she would find a way to get Harry's hands on her one way or another. Fucking bitch. Fag hag. See the next time I invite her to come along with me to...

"Wouldn't that be so nice, Draco? I'm sure Harry wouldn't mind at all, he's such a sweetie!" Pansy's voice broke into his rant.

Clearing his throat, Draco asked her to repeat what she just said.

"I said, I'm sure Harry would put your sunscreen on your back for you as well. I'm sure you don't want to wear that robe all day long, as fetching as it is. I just had him do my back, and I don't want to get sand all over myself. Right, Harry darling?" Pansy declared.

Harry, who had for once been listening to what others had to say about him and was somehow feeling quite a bit more confident than usual, agreed with Pansy. "Sure, Malfoy. Just take off your robe and lay down. Or stand up; either way is fine with me. Really. However you want it. And if you need it reapplied, I'll do it then too. I'll do it now, and again later on. Just tell me if I'm being too rough with my strokes. I wouldn't want to hurt you or anything."

'Yeah, play it dumb, Harry! You can get away with saying almost anything that way!' Harry thought to himself.

Draco tried to subtly adjust himself from listening to Harry's words, and looked at Pansy. 'She is so getting a diamond bracelet for her birthday this year. Maybe with matching earrings and a necklace. If I weren't gay, I'd kiss her.' he thought.

"Well, you should probably call me Draco if we're going to do this," he said.

"Of course, no problem. Likewise, only call me Harry."

"Sure, Harry. Thanks. There's always that one spot in the middle of your back you can never reach. And charms wear off so quickly. You know, I make all my friends their sunscreens. I could make you some too. I'd just need you to come, er, follow me down to my dungeons, er, lab, and give me a, ah, large deposit of your fluids. That way I can customize it especially for you. Of course, I'd do all the work myself. Wouldn't do to have it get messed up right at the end, now would it? Although, you have been getting better in Potions. I could let you try stroking the last ingredient in yourself, and if it got messed up, we could just start all over again, with me doing all the stroking this time. See, no problem! It's settled then. Now how about you get to rubbing me down?" Draco said, while slipping his robe off.

'Oh fuck!' Harry thought. 'My fantasy has come true! That has to be the smallest pair of swimming bikini briefs that is in existence. Ok, play it cool, Harry. Thank Merlin for concealing charms!'

Harry cocked his head slightly to the side. "Don't you need to go a full day without the sunscreen charm in order to not develop an allergy to the cream?" he asked.

"What? Yes, yes of course. Why do you ask?" replied Draco.

"Well, I had Hermione cast the charm on me just a little bit ago, right before the Creevey brothers went flying into the ocean. Did you see that, by the way? Strangest thing. Oh well, no one really liked them anyway so it doesn't matter. Anyway, she said the charm will last another twelve hours, so I should be good for today. But if you'd like to get together tomorrow, I'd love to come down deep into your dark dungeon and make a deposit into your fiery cauldron and scoop up some of your cream for myself," Harry said innocently.

"Eep!" said Draco.

"Eep!" said Pansy.

"Eep!" said both Hermione and Ron, who had just come out of the water from saving the two Creevey twits they were dragging behind them.

"Aww no!" cried Colin and Dennis, realizing they had just lost their last non-existent chance at getting Harry Potter.

Hermione sharply whipped around and flicked her wand at the twits, causing them to launch back into the water.

"Come on, Ron. Let's go save the idiots again."

"But Mione!" Ron whined. "I thought we were going to go into those trees over there and you give me those private one-on-one tutoring sessions?" he asked, making lewd hip movements.

"No, we need to go rescue the twin twits again. Ron, stop making that face at me. Stop! Oh fine, if you behave yourself this one last time, when we get back we can head over for some private tutoring. I'll let you do that thing you've been begging me to do. But only if you behave yourself! And no 'helping me stay afloat' by using a bowling ball grip on me!"

"Really? You'll let me..."

"Yes."

"But I can't..."

"No."

"Not even a little? I'll make it real good, I promise!"

"No."

"Fine!' Ron grumbled. 'Take away all the fun out of rescuing someone, will ya?"

"Ronald, I heard that. Shall I just say no all together?"

"No, Mione. I'm sorry."

"I'll consider forgiving you while we are on this last rescue mission."

"Yes, Mistress."

"And don't forget it again, Slave!"

"Yes, Mistress."

Pansy heard this last bit after her two new friends had just reached the water's edge. A few moments later, she saw Ron's right hand slide down from Hermione's back down under the water. Suddenly, Ron was flung 5 meters away from Hermione.

"Well, I didn't know it was like that in their relationship. Makes much more sense now," she said.

"You should see what they get up to at night in the common room, after all the little kids go to bed. Sometimes, you're lucky to not get caught up in their acting. I wonder when the play is going to start? They said it was called 'The Bedroom Diaries' and that Hermione wrote it, but it needed a lot of tweaking until it was just right." Harry informed Draco and Pansy.

"Hmm, I see. Well! Time to go rescue Blaise from Lav-Lav and the Parv-ert!" she said, and bounced away. Pansy fiercely elbowed both female leeches away from her boyfriend and jumped up on him, causing both teens to fall onto a large blanket. They rolled themselves up until they were completely covered, and after a few moments you could hear moaning and groaning coming from inside the blanket which was moving in odd ways.

"My! I do hope they're not getting hurt in there. Maybe we should go and see if they need any help?"

Cries of "harder, harder!" and "yeah, baby take it!" were frequently heard, along with a faint slapping noise. Thankfully this part of the beach was sectioned off for fifth years and up.

Draco chuckled. "No Harry, Pansy and Blaise are just fine. They do this all the time. Besides, they both give just as good as they get." he said, turning to face Harry.

"Guh," Draco managed to get out. There was Harry, sitting on Draco's abandoned hover chair, performing fellatio on a dark red popsicle. A long, dark red, thick, cock-shaped popsicle, complete with a slightly larger bulb-shaped head at the tip. And Harry looking up at Draco with half-opened bedroom eyes. Oh. Fuck.

"Draco, would you like a lick of my popsicle? It's shaped a little funny, but the ice cream elf explained it's because of the sudden change in weather. It's still magically delicious!" Harry said.

"Guh," Draco repeated.

"I don't mind at all if you lick my popsicle. I would have gotten you one, but the elf only had the one left. But really, it's ok. I don't mind sharing my popsicle, as long as it's only you and no one else." Harry told Draco innocently. 'Yeah, right! I can do the innocent act! He is so mine.' he thought.

"Guh," Draco repeated yet again, as all his brain functions shorted out when he first turned around.

"It's ok, really. And guess what? It's cherry flavored! And it has a smooth creamy middle! Don't you want to suck my cherry popsicle and drink my creamy filling? It's so good! But you have to lick real fast, because in this heat my popsicle is just dripping all over the place. So, do you want to lick it?" Harry asked, tonguing the frozen treat every few words.

"Muh, yuh." Oh good, brain restarting.

"Draco, are you ok? You're looking a bit flushed. Have you been out in the sun too long? The sun's rays are supposed to be pretty intense here in the tropics, much more then what we're used to. Are you ok?"

"Uhhuh Huhhy" Wow. Pretty soon we might actually be able to start using actual words, Draco.

Harry stood up and moved right into Draco's personal space. "No, I don't think you're ok. I think you're getting quite a bit overheated. Oh! I know! I need to take you way, way down deep into your dungeons, strip you completely, and get you all wet! Bad Harry! How could you forget the basics?" Harry chastised himself, then quickly sucking the entire popsicle into his mouth again. Didn't want to drip, after all!

"Yes, that's what I'll do. Of course, with how shaky your legs seem, maybe I should get into the shower with you. I'll stand behind you, because it'll probably be easier that way in the shower. I'll just wrap my arms around you, and rub you up and down and all around all over. Might as well take a full shower while we're at it. But I don't want to get my swimming trunks all soapy! Well, I guess I'll just have to take them off, won't I? I suppose it would be easier to slide against you without any clothes on. And don't worry, if you have any stubborn specks of anything on you, I'll just keep thrusting harder and harder until off it comes! How about that, my new special friend? I'll do it however you want-you're in charge in private."

'FUCK! Fuck fuck fuckity fuck! Oh, please don't let me be dreaming this time! And my new set of handcuffs just arrived last night-and this time I had two extra keys made! No more having to call Snape for help. Ok, Draco, play it cool. He's a Gryffindor, for Merlin's sake. He'll have no idea what hit him. Play it cool, play it cool...' was what Draco was thinking.

What he actually said was: "Oh Harry, I think you're right. I am feeling a bit weak. I would appreciate every little, well, hopefully not so little, thing you would do to me, I mean, for me. But could you carry me there? I don't think I could make it that far. But not like a girl! And not on your back, either! No, you'll have to carry me on your front, so the sun doesn't shine in my face anymore. It really is quite hot, you know."

"Of course I will, silly! All you have to do is ask and it's how and whenever you want it. We're both well off, and have no real reason to work, so we could do this all the time. I enjoy taking care of my friends," at this Draco bristled, "but not like I would thoroughly enjoy taking care of you. Not at all like taking care of my only special friend!" and Draco relaxed. Well, as much as he could with a raging concealed hardon that could be used to build a house.

"Pick me up then, Harry, and take me now, um, down into my dungeon. I can't wait any longer or I'll burst, or faint, or something! Just do it!"

Harry reached around the gorgeous blond in front of him, placed his hands on the bottom of Draco's butt cheeks, and lifted him up to place the man snugly against Harry's groin. The slightly shorter man squeaked. "Hmm, maybe we should use some lotion so your skin doesn't chafe on our way. You'll probably be bouncing up and down quite a bit, and I don't want to hurt your precious skin. You'll just slip up and down me then."

"NO! No, I don't think we should do that. I'm so close, I don't want to slide off on you before we get to the shower. Besides, my skin is tougher then you think. Sometimes, I like it rough!" Draco told the man he would forever worship with his tongue.

"Well, ok, if you say so. Just make sure you tell me..." is all Harry got to say, because at that moment both guys were mysteriously hit with a Finite Incantatem. That meant that suddenly, Harry's hard, thick cock was trying to drill into the hole where heaven begins, and Draco's cock was introducing itself to Harry from way above the top of his briefs.

You could almost hear the thick duel swallows, as both men stared into the other's eyes.

Then, a flurry of movement! Harry and Draco seemed to have picked up on their last fight, only with their tongues instead of fists and wands. A more violent kiss would not be seen for many years. Clacking teeth, a drop of blood licked away, who knows from who it came from. Did it really matter?

Draco rubbed his partially covered cock up and down Harry's lower abdomen, with so much precome present that lube wasn't needed.

Harry damn near succeeded with his goal of drilling Draco, for he could feel the tip of his cock starting to widen Draco's puckered and eager hole.

Draco moaning loudly, as Harry sucked a large red mark on the side of his neck, just to yelp when Harry release his neck and bit his earlobe.

Harry hissing and almost stumbling on his difficult trek to the castle, when Draco scratched long furrows down his back.

"FUCK! DRACO! I hope you know that I'm never letting you go ever again!"

"As if I'd give you the option! You're mine, Potter. Always have been, always will be! Now get me inside that castle and fuck me hard, lover!"

Harry, completely disregarded the fact that you can't apparate inside Hogwarts boundaries (does it really count with the castle not being in the same place the wards were set up?) and did just that, where the two men didn't surface from for four days. The house elves were bidding on the privilege of serving them meals in bed, and some really nasty fights broke out.

When the men finally showed up in the Great Hall for breakfast, the applause was almost unstoppable. Draco, of course, loved being in the limelight. Harry wished he had his invisibility cloak, and tried to hide behind his gorgeous boyfriend. He looked over to his best friends at the Gryffindor table, but only Hermione was actually sitting at the table proper. Ron was kneeling on the floor wearing a loincloth and a heavy-looking studded black leather collar, opening his mouth for her to feed him when she felt like it.

'Well! It seems everyone got their deepest wishes granted. Except for the Creeveys, but they don't matter anyway. Still, it's strange how the entire castle moved to a tropical island. Maybe if someone wishes hard enough and uses all their saved up birthday wishes, it'll come true! I guess it was a good thing I wasn't thinking about Atlantis again!'

Who broke the concealment charms on the guys? Well, no one knows for certain, but Pansy and Blaise swear when they had come up for air before round two, they witnessed Harry handing his melting popsicle to the twit brothers right before picking up Draco. The Creeveys promptly ran off and dropped in the sand the only way they were ever going to get Harry's cock. Much wailing occurred. They were both launched into the water. Then they both claim as soon as Harry picked Draco up, Dumbledore snuck up from the side and waved his wand towards the guys, with a huge grin on his face, before placing his hand back in his robe pocket. Who says Gryffindors aren't any fun?

What about Hermione and Ron, I mean Mistress and Slave? Ahh, can't forget them, now could we? They were both seen running hand in hand (with Hermione leading, of course) into the trees. Unfortunately, they didn't see Professor Snape entering the same area not even five minutes earlier. He was dressed in an old-style safari outfit, complete with a goofy hat and combat-style boots, a large butterfly net, and several empty potions bags and harvesting knives hanging off his many belt loops.

As soon as Harry Apparated with Draco grinding on him, a shrill yet manly scream echoed out from the trees. A female voice yelling, "SLAVE! Get your pretty red arse back here right now or it'll be ten more lashes! He's gone now!" A slightly quieter, but still manly bellow was heard next, snapping branches and creative swearing following, until the potions professor burst through the dense flora yelling for his 'Big Daddy' repeatedly.

"Big Daddy! Big Daddy! I found a new species of earth faerie! It's mud covered, female dominant, and two of them are fucking right now in the trees over there!" Snape said to Dumbledore, pointing at the trees where all the noises were coming from.

"Good boy! Now why don't you take some pictures for Big Daddy so we can document this momentous occasion? That's a good lad!" placated Dumbledore, once again shooing away his potions professor with a firm pat on his butt, and once again Severus giggling as he ran back into the trees.

Albus Dumbledore sighed. It had been quite a long day already, and it wasn't even half over yet. He had witnessed an unusual spring snowstorm, many pouting children, and what should have been an impossible Apparition of a castle over a thousand years old to half-way around the world. Creeveys being launched frequently into the ocean, several of his children were having sex on the beach, and the tiki bar he had Professor Sprout rapidly growing wouldn't even be ready until later on tonight. Thank Merlin he stocked-piled several years worth of liquors in the kitchen cellars! His only non-surprise of the day so far was the joining of Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy. No, it was not a surprise, because that crackpot Trelawney actually predicted in first year that those two would get together by this year's end. 'And it was about time they acted on their urges! I was afraid I would lose the pot, and it was up to a thousand galleons! No one will ever know of the little confidence booster I sent Harry.'

The headmaster reached into his pocket and pulled out a lemon drop, dusted the lint off it, and popped it in his mouth. He patted his hidden pocket to make sure the Philosopher's Stone was still safe and sound, where it had rested since right before he told Harry it was destroyed. Like he would have actually destroyed something so precious! How else was he supposed to rule the wizarding world, if he was dead? He hadn't lived the past 600 or so years by lying down in a grave! Disguises, new locations-those were the names of the game.

Flashes of light were coming from the trees, and high-pitched wailing and deep moans were heard from somewhere deep within the bowels of the castle. Unknown to the two men inside, there were observation stones recording every single time someone entered any room or hallway in the castle. After all, how else was he supposed to know if anyone was having problems in his school? Albus Dumbledore never missed a single thing.

Yes, life was very, very sweet.

Aufero means (according to the translator) 'To take away by force'.


End file.
